No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
