please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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