so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
