College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
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