I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
