Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Two words: blizzard sex
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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