new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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