sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
