I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
