you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
