Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
