One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
