I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
