god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Randomize
