He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
