i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
Randomize
