I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
