dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
