i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
