I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
