The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
