I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
