I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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