I met the friendliest cop last night
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
