He uses pillows to masturbate.
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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