i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
