i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
