remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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