capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
