Whod you bang
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
