Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
