what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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