ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
