Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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