the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
stop calling my apartment porn island.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
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