Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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