I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
