Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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