I accidentally had phone sex last night
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Randomize
