I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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