how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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