I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
