ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
