I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
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