Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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