put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
