I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
