someone get that fucking seahorse.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
