I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
