shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
