Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
