if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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